So needed this.

oke so...I'm on Substack now :)

There’s something really sparkly about a blank slate. About filling a brand new space with brand new words without the remnants of the life purpose I had previously declared for myself and have since outgrown.

Closing out my mentorship business over these last few months has repeatedly tested just how much I actually trust myself in this…how “spiritual” I actually am. Turns out, I’m pretty sure I’ve spent a lot of time over the past year or so meditating to make myself feel good-ish about continuing down the path I was already on…instead of being present with the truth that my path was trying to shift all around me all of the time. 

I think a lot of us do this to be honest. Meditating so we can…speak, create, lead, produce, guide, hold space…keep going. Rather than meditating for the purpose of touching into what’s actually here and available for us. And I get it…really seeing what’s alive in you can often bring with it a whole lot of really hard things…like changing what you’re doing, how you’re thinking, and who you want to be (and who you don’t)…

If we actually make contact with how we’re feeling…we might need to start walking down a completely different path…which - for me at least - was ground zero for what I think I’ll call my existential crisis circa 2023. 

Truth? I’d say about 25-ish% of the time these day’s I’m in a place of “what the fuck am I doing going back to grad school at my age” and “who the hell do you think you are to even think about not working right now” (I even just caught myself retyping that sentence over and over trying to soften it for you, trying to justify why I’m not working “right now” as if I have to make you feel more comfortable with it…)

…which is huge progress from the snotty crying blob I existed as for a while…pondering the purpose of life and thinking seriously about getting a minimum wage gig at a pottery studio. Thing is, I thought the space I was opening up would feel nourishing, freeing and spiritual. I used to dream of all the things I would do if I didn’t have to work so much. The idea of finding myself dripping with enlightenment at week long yoga retreats…devouring the nourishing buddha bowls I saved online but never had the energy to actually piece together before…losing myself in 90 minute meditations…actually learning astrology or tarot or human design or anything to make me feel more connected to the cosmos…time to paint or draw or write a novel.

My god did I have plans. 

And then the black hole of real, unhindered actual rest swallowed me up and I found myself laying on the bed staring at the ceiling feeling utterly and completely useless in the absence of work. Not to mention I was actually way more burnt out than I thought…far too tired to actually do any of the dreamy witchy things I had planned for myself…and way too busy judging myself for it. 

Every day I watched my mind claw for some semblance of control…something familiar…something to anchor me to anything concrete amidst the void I had just hurled myself into without warning. No surprise then that my work-withdrawal led to obsessively mentally rearranging my apartment at 2 am…getting lost for hours organizing dresser drawers and kitchen cabinets…cruising Etsy for days (yes, ya’ll…I had spreadsheets ok?) on the hunt for the perfect shelving unit…all the while justifying my behavior as “nesting” - a totally socially appropriate, normal and not at all avoidant thing to be doing. Bonus points that we just moved to a new city, so my story was rock solid and I was sticking to it.

Oh, and while it was at it my sweet little mind also decided it would be fun to revisit some of my old controlling patterns that I hadn’t seen or heard from in years…like shaming thoughts around how hard I was pushing my body in yoga…or cutting out my avocado at breakfast if I also wanted to have whole eggs instead of just the whites. It’s easiest, I think, when the future feels uncertain, and the present moment feels uncomfortable…to turn to the past and use the strategies we’ve long outgrown to give ourselves what our mind craves the most. So for me? My body became my portal to control…my default pathway back to a place of feeling “good” mentally, despite how I was reeling emotionally. 

And so…hi! Here I am…still here standing in this void of not knowing exactly what’s next for me, where I’m going, or even what I really want to become, do or say…a willing participant in the target practice my mind is using to trigger every insecure, uncomfortable and vulnerable bullseye of my previous self. And I wish I could say that I have it all figured out…that I made my way through to the other sunny side…but I haven’t, yet. I’m still in the daily grips of change, transition, letting go, slowing down…and softening around it all. The really good news is that that last part - softening around it all - has become a central part of my purpose right now. 

I think that…without totally and completely releasing every last piece of who I was before I wouldn't be able to actually grieve for her. I would have this incredible gift of learning who I am in the absence of productivity. I wouldn’t have given little me the chance to pipe up and say “hey, you know, we’re still not totally in love with our body” or “we still judge our food choices pretty often”...and I wouldn’t have the space to really hold myself in that.

So here’s my current strategy. It’s really simple, and so feel free to borrow if it feels right for you in some context of change or rebirth you’re moving through. When I notice (key word - notice - cause I still don’t always) myself judging the space I have…

…or when I catch myself mentally convincing myself to choose a harder yoga flow when my body is asking me to be gentle…

…or I’m toggling back and forth between eating or not eating the ice cream…

…I just turn towards it, I really see it, and I say “hello…of course you’re here…of course you’re trying to give me a sense of control…but what’s available for me here that I’m denying myself because of what feels comfortable or familiar at this moment?

I do my best to soften and listen for the truth.

It’s okay to let go and not know what will come next.

It’s okay to let yourself be torn apart without knowing how to heal.

It’s okay to decide in an instant what you aren’t anymore…without making accommodations for anyone else to understand why you changed without notice.

It’s okay if your purpose right now is to heal and love yourself - that’s a big and great purpose. 

It’s so totally completely okay if you don’t want to change the whole world. There’s so much pressure to be this huge force of nature…to really DO something with our lives that matters.

But living your life also kinda matters…a lot.

So if you need me I’ll be re-learning how to do that ^

Living…

Laying a new foundation for my next season of service to bloom from.

One where I really, deeply know how to take the most decadent care of myself without shame or guilt or fear of missing out on something everyone else seems to be chasing.

I promise to spill the goods as I go along so you can touch in with living a softer, more connected life too. But for now, I’m so happy you’re here (most of you are because you were on my previous email list so don’t be alarmed). I’ll be seeing you.

x - Laura